Monday, May 6, 2013

It was not an accident. It was assassination!

This post is not dedicated to anyone or anything, if you take it seriously then I cannot help you.  If you want to sue me, bring it on!
You can be whatever you want to be, and what this man chose to be is an animal lover. Well, I love animals too, but there is sure a point where you draw a fine line, as in me showing the love for them.  I would not stalk it, set up cameras on its head, sneak up behind it, jump on it and show it to the camera, make a statement , no, period. If you are a true animal lover, you will just keep your distance from it, let it to go on its way and it will let you go on yours.
This a story about a man who loved animals too much that he dint even know that the animals really hated him.  Steve Irwin, ‘the crocodile hunter ‘I’ve never heard of an animal lover with a nick name ‘hunter’.  Or he must love all the animals except for the crocodiles. Maybe there were incidents in the past which would have made him hate crocs, may be as a child he was molested by an alligator or he just hates their faces. You never know, there are some people who hates pandas, never know.
So this all started in a remote undisclosed location in Kenya during a summer of , let’s say 1999, (cuz he wasn’t there to see 2009). The sun was baking everyone in the region. It was like the commies in nam facing the flame throwers. The turkeys in the Kenya felt it was already thanksgiving.  (Though thanksgiving wasn’t part of their culture or I’m not sure if there are turkeys in Kenya). Basically it was a zillion degrees hot.  The rivers were dry, the wilder beast migrated to the next town for food and water, the lions were like screw that we are not going anywhere, something will come by. In totality, It was a bad situation.
during this catastrophic situation, on a small patch of muddy water near the dried up banks of the river laid a lone croc name ‘rico’ he was already started smelling stuffed gators a specialty dish made by those hillbillies but he stayed put, calm, ‘god have mercy on me, I will go to church starting next Sunday if you let me survive this summer’. There was no water, the rivers bed was barren land and looked like grandma’s cracked foot.  No fishes, no deer to come and drink water so these crocs can sneak up and bite and pull it down by its head (courtesy national geographic channel; boy have you see them?  those are amazing shots!) Anyways, so there is nothing much happening in the Rico’s life this summer, this aint and there was nothing to motivate to live through another day. But this was almost turning to be spring break in Miami when he saw this big booty she croc just crawls by him and gives him the look (what’s up sugar) I’m talking beyonce booty croc. Now Rico is excited and he thanks god for this moment and follows her into the bush.  They exchange words, talking dirty, oh look at your skin girl, you make louis vuitton bags look good. And the next scene is almost like animal porn types what they show on discovery channel and it’s all happening in there.   The lovely croc couple forgot the world of misery and were into it so deep and oh yea the crocs were like ‘give it to me baby o yea yes yes’…and that is when rico felt some thing grabbed him by his tale and he goes like ‘damn girl that’s a nice move’.  Next thing he know his ass is been dragged out of the bush like the scene from paranormal activity, rico screams like a bitch and suddenly  he get tazed and realizes there was a nasty piece of smelly cloth on this face too, he couldn’t see.  
What happens next is the event that changed the man’s life.
The thing that grabbed rico’s tail was none other than Steve, he pulls him right out of the puddle, throws his shirt on him, blinds him, lift him by his tail, measures him and flips him over and says , “crikey look at the size of that”!
Rico still trying to understand wtf just happened and the same time he is pissed and get really mad at Steve “what do you mean by look at the size of that? Look at the size of what mother f*****?  You grabbed me by my tail while I’m having  intercourse with my lady, flip me over, tagged me with something really hurtful thing into my neck, showed my private parts on national television and you asking them to look at the size of that? Damn man, what is wrong with you and get off me man, stop touching me. I was having a nice time in the bushes with my girl and you ruined it you massive moron. This is serious violation of animal rights.  Hey!  tell me, when you are in your house, with your family and you having a nice dinner with wine and shit, you get into the mood, listening to Prince, you take your wife upstairs and you guys get on it, did I ever walk into your bedroom? have I ever pulled you out of the bed by grabbing your legs, hung you upside down and showed your butt naked ass and  pointing to your white balls said, look at the size of that ?! Have I?, so who gave you the right to do this to me mate?! , I was having something so important that I could’ve made me live through another day of shit im going through right now mate, and you come by all the way from wherever the fuck you are from and  touching me inappropriately and telling look at the size of that?! Really?
Steve dint care as he could not hear or understand what animals think about him, he finishes his work and let go of Rico, and Rico runs straight back into the bushes and Steve turns to the camera and starts his usual things, ‘such a beautiful creature’ I have tagged him and I will come every summer to study him more closer”. (oh  crap) . So this continued the next year, the following years and Rico was getting old and tired of this. He had to do something and he calls up the animal council to deal with this situation.
The council consists of the most senior and experienced members in the animal kingdom. The president was ‘Theo’ the tortoise, about 300 yrs old, ‘Chang’ the white mantis very insightful though he is skinny and afraid of chameleons.  And the grey owl, ‘Morgan Freeman’, he is the director of strategies for the council.  
With the liberty of a senior member, Theo begins the discussion about the issue that Rico had been nagging the entire community for the past few years and this has become a recurring incidents with not just crocs but also to other animals and lot of different other ‘crikey look at the size of that!’ incidents in various locations. “This is a raising concern and we have warned this man in half pants several times by our gestures, we have sent the elephants at him, lions at him, stinging bees at him, snakes at, hell we sent almost everything we got but none of that did frighten him, instead he sneaked up during the night, hit us with a tranquilizers and bags us to make us be a part of his zoo gig and make money out us in exchange of our freedom!”  We have been violated of our rights to exits, our space to be, our other unspoken things that we do in the forest and the only way to stop him is he should cease to exist. What say ?!”  , “amen to that brother” , unanimously.
Chang had to share his research he had done on Steve collecting facts for the past few years about him and he came up with really weird and ridiculous things, that it is impossible to kill Steve on land or air, or on the water, he can only be killed when fully submerged in water! These kinds of facts can only be known to animals and not humans. Believe it or not! That’s just the way it is. Deal with it.
The strategic department came up with a plan and asked a team of ocean navy seals to conduct a 24 recon/surveillance on Steve’s activities and movements. Few months later they came up with intel sending a message to the council that Steve was about to go on a deep sea diving, shark feeding and video taping of another episode of how awesome he is with animals off the coast and this might be the only chance to clip him.
Morgan could think of only one asset to mobilize in that region and that was Sting ‘Sugar’ Ray, the most stealthy and skillful assassin of all times and highly reliable hitman/hitfish (whatever).  He sends a word and Ray accepts the mission.  24 hrs after the mission was accepted, the council waited for the word of confirmation. They got the news and to verify the information they tuned into the Human Planet on tv.
The news was confirmed and what they heard was “ 44 year old  Steve Irwin was pierced by the serrated poisonous sting ray as he swam with the creature on Monday while shooting a TV show on the great barrier reef”
The council was in silence for about 30 seconds and Theo pulled his head slowly into his shell and started to walk towards the sunset, Morgan and his team went into isolation for couple of years, Chang left for Tibet to mediate for rest of his life in Shaolin and, Rico knocked up beyonce the next summer and had 5 children, they lived happily ever after until the crocodile poachers came by one summer afternoon and peeled of their skins… damn it!
The moral of the story is don’t catch a croc by his tail and show is wee wee to the camera, no that’s not the moral. We have to love and protect animals, but if you over do it, you need protection from them!