This post is not dedicated to anyone or anything, if you
take it seriously then I cannot help you. If you want to sue me, bring it on!
You can be whatever you want to be, and what this man chose
to be is an animal lover. Well, I love animals too, but there is sure a point
where you draw a fine line, as in me showing the love for them. I would not stalk it, set up cameras on its
head, sneak up behind it, jump on it and show it to the camera, make a statement
, no, period. If you are a true animal lover, you will just keep your distance
from it, let it to go on its way and it will let you go on yours.
This a story about a man who loved animals too much that he
dint even know that the animals really hated him. Steve Irwin, ‘the crocodile hunter ‘I’ve
never heard of an animal lover with a nick name ‘hunter’. Or he must love all the animals except for
the crocodiles. Maybe there were incidents in the past which would have made
him hate crocs, may be as a child he was molested by an alligator or he just
hates their faces. You never know, there are some people who hates pandas,
never know.
So this all started in a remote undisclosed location in
Kenya during a summer of , let’s say 1999, (cuz he wasn’t there to see 2009).
The sun was baking everyone in the region. It was like the commies in nam
facing the flame throwers. The turkeys in the Kenya felt it was already
thanksgiving. (Though thanksgiving
wasn’t part of their culture or I’m not sure if there are turkeys in Kenya).
Basically it was a zillion degrees hot.
The rivers were dry, the wilder beast migrated to the next town for food
and water, the lions were like screw that we are not going anywhere, something
will come by. In totality, It was a bad situation.
during this catastrophic situation, on a small patch of
muddy water near the dried up banks of the river laid a lone croc name ‘rico’ he
was already started smelling stuffed gators a specialty dish made by those hillbillies
but he stayed put, calm, ‘god have mercy on me, I will go to church starting
next Sunday if you let me survive this summer’. There was no water, the rivers
bed was barren land and looked like grandma’s cracked foot. No fishes, no deer to come and drink water so
these crocs can sneak up and bite and pull it down by its head (courtesy
national geographic channel; boy have you see them? those are amazing shots!) Anyways, so there
is nothing much happening in the Rico’s life this summer, this aint and there
was nothing to motivate to live through another day. But this was almost
turning to be spring break in Miami when he saw this big booty she croc just
crawls by him and gives him the look (what’s up sugar) I’m talking beyonce
booty croc. Now Rico is excited and he thanks god for this moment and follows
her into the bush. They exchange words,
talking dirty, oh look at your skin girl, you make louis vuitton bags look
good. And the next scene is almost like animal porn types what they show on
discovery channel and it’s all happening in there. The lovely croc couple forgot the world of
misery and were into it so deep and oh yea the crocs were like ‘give it to me
baby o yea yes yes’…and that is when rico felt some thing grabbed him by his
tale and he goes like ‘damn girl that’s a nice move’. Next thing he know his ass is been dragged out
of the bush like the scene from paranormal activity, rico screams like a bitch
and suddenly he get tazed and realizes
there was a nasty piece of smelly cloth on this face too, he couldn’t see.
What happens next is the event that changed the man’s life.
The thing that grabbed rico’s tail was none other than Steve,
he pulls him right out of the puddle, throws his shirt on him, blinds him, lift
him by his tail, measures him and flips him over and says , “crikey look at the
size of that”!
Rico still trying to understand wtf just happened and the
same time he is pissed and get really mad at Steve “what do you mean by look at
the size of that? Look at the size of what mother f*****? You grabbed me by my tail while I’m having intercourse with my lady, flip me over, tagged
me with something really hurtful thing into my neck, showed my private parts on
national television and you asking them to look at the size of that? Damn man, what
is wrong with you and get off me man, stop touching me. I was having a nice
time in the bushes with my girl and you ruined it you massive moron. This is
serious violation of animal rights. Hey! tell me, when you are in your house, with
your family and you having a nice dinner with wine and shit, you get into the mood,
listening to Prince, you take your wife upstairs and you guys get on it, did I
ever walk into your bedroom? have I ever pulled you out of the bed by grabbing
your legs, hung you upside down and showed your butt naked ass and pointing to your white balls said, look at the
size of that ?! Have I?, so who gave you the right to do this to me mate?! , I
was having something so important that I could’ve made me live through another
day of shit im going through right now mate, and you come by all the way from
wherever the fuck you are from and touching me inappropriately and telling look
at the size of that?! Really?
Steve dint care as he could not hear or understand what
animals think about him, he finishes his work and let go of Rico, and Rico runs
straight back into the bushes and Steve turns to the camera and starts his
usual things, ‘such a beautiful creature’ I have tagged him and I will come
every summer to study him more closer”. (oh
crap) . So this continued the next year, the following years and Rico
was getting old and tired of this. He had to do something and he calls up the animal
council to deal with this situation.
The council consists of the most senior and experienced
members in the animal kingdom. The president was ‘Theo’ the tortoise, about 300
yrs old, ‘Chang’ the white mantis very insightful though he is skinny and
afraid of chameleons. And the grey owl,
‘Morgan Freeman’, he is the director of strategies for the council.
With the liberty of a senior member, Theo begins the
discussion about the issue that Rico had been nagging the entire community for
the past few years and this has become a recurring incidents with not just crocs
but also to other animals and lot of different other ‘crikey look at the size
of that!’ incidents in various locations. “This is a raising concern and we
have warned this man in half pants several times by our gestures, we have sent
the elephants at him, lions at him, stinging bees at him, snakes at, hell we
sent almost everything we got but none of that did frighten him, instead he
sneaked up during the night, hit us with a tranquilizers and bags us to make us
be a part of his zoo gig and make money out us in exchange of our freedom!” We have been violated of our rights to exits,
our space to be, our other unspoken things that we do in the forest and the
only way to stop him is he should cease to exist. What say ?!” , “amen to that brother” , unanimously.
Chang had to share his research he had done on Steve
collecting facts for the past few years about him and he came up with really
weird and ridiculous things, that it is impossible to kill Steve on land or
air, or on the water, he can only be killed when fully submerged in water!
These kinds of facts can only be known to animals and not humans. Believe it or
not! That’s just the way it is. Deal with it.
The strategic department came up with a plan and asked a
team of ocean navy seals to conduct a 24 recon/surveillance on Steve’s
activities and movements. Few months later they came up with intel sending a
message to the council that Steve was about to go on a deep sea diving, shark
feeding and video taping of another episode of how awesome he is with animals off
the coast and this might be the only chance to clip him.
Morgan could think of only one asset to mobilize in that
region and that was Sting ‘Sugar’ Ray, the most stealthy and skillful assassin
of all times and highly reliable hitman/hitfish (whatever). He sends a word and Ray accepts the
mission. 24 hrs after the mission was
accepted, the council waited for the word of confirmation. They got the news
and to verify the information they tuned into the Human Planet on tv.
The news was confirmed and what they heard was “ 44 year
old Steve Irwin was pierced by the
serrated poisonous sting ray as he swam with the creature on Monday while
shooting a TV show on the great barrier reef”
The council was in silence for about 30 seconds and Theo pulled
his head slowly into his shell and started to walk towards the sunset, Morgan
and his team went into isolation for couple of years, Chang left for Tibet to
mediate for rest of his life in Shaolin and, Rico knocked up beyonce the next
summer and had 5 children, they lived happily ever after until the crocodile poachers
came by one summer afternoon and peeled of their skins… damn it!
The moral of the story is don’t catch a croc by his tail and
show is wee wee to the camera, no that’s not the moral. We have to love and
protect animals, but if you over do it, you need protection from them!
